Man Takes Masterbation Into His Own Hands

Authorities reported Thursday that newly confident area man Richard Canes, 43, of New Jersey, has decided it’s time to indulge in a little self-care. “My wife Lyn divorced me 3 days ago, and I haven’t touched myself since. So I decided, why not give this a go?”



When asked, “Richard, why was this decision so important to you?” he replied with a head nod and finger-guns, begging that we call him Rich, claiming “Richard was my father.”

“To be honest,” he replied, “I’ve surpassed expectations. I’ll bet Lyn didn’t know I could do it all by myself!” He exclaimed. “And now, I’ve been reminded that I am my own man.”


Rich mentioned, with much self-assurance, that he was never the type to cause jealousy. “Not before, no- people kept asking my ex and I how someone like her ended up with someone like me. But now, I wake up at 5am, take freezing showers, and have become a self-taught wildlife skills professional. And Lyn still sends me messages asking for the Netflix password as if I’m the smartest person with all the answers!” He chuckles as he describes this new-found positivity that he aims to share with as many people as possible. “Confidence,” he reminds us while pointing to his chest, “In yourself."


This is Rich’s first work as an influencer, via social media he can be found by his professional

name, one_kinky_showman_whos_killin’it or his more casual persona, Self-Care Slumpy Richman.











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