Ellie Johnson of Dutchess County, New York, declared to her friend group on Saturday that despite never having seen this one movie that was brought up in conversation, she did “hear it’s really good” from another person. The third party’s identity has not been unveiled, and when challenged about it, she couldn’t remember who.
“I think it was this customer I served at the coffee shop once? Or maybe my cashier at the bookstore? Mmm… I don’t know but I hear it’s like a must-see.”
The concerning part? Ellie’s friends took her full word for it without question, and continued the conversation like she was the god of Rotten Tomatoes. Not only did they ask her for the cast list, prompting her to perform a Google search because she had no idea, they also appeared unbothered by her wrongful claim to this knowledge.
Later that day while the friend group was distracted placing a pizza order, we received an encrypted email from an anonymous film bro she dated. On their first and only date, said bro asked if she had plans to see Dune, in which she replied “I’m not much of a movie person.” Their date ended minutes after, learning they had nothing in common.
Point blank, Ellie is not the person to take cinematic advice from.
When asked if she held any opinions of her own, she paused for a moment, and “suddenly recalled that grapes are berries.” We told her that wasn’t an opinion and is simply inaccurate. But it turns out this idiot was kind of right, grapes are considered berries and we were kind of wrong goddammit, BUT THIS IS STILL NOT AN OPINION.
Dutchess county is still determining why Ellie’s actions would be punishable, because apparently such appalling behavior isn’t taken seriously around these parts. We happen to be a group of reporters who are really into movies and we cannot let this slide. So far, the county does not agree with us that she ought to perform community service, instead we were just notified that we will be losing our jobs for misusing their budget on garlic knots the day of the investigation.
And we refuse to die on this hill!
Copyright © 2024 Oona O'Brien. All rights reserved.