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I’m The Hater You Need To Get Your New Year’s Resolutions Going

And I’ll motivate you.

We’re well into the new year, and you haven’t done the stuff you said you’d do. This could be for a slew of reasons. Maybe you’ve set your priorities too straight. Maybe you’re too socially accepted and everyone assumes you have your shit together. Maybe you are getting enough sleep. 

Chances are, there’s probably no one in your life causing you to feel like sh*t to motivate you the right way to get these New Year’s resolutions going. There’s just not enough distaste toward you for your life to be passionate yet. 

You’ve been over-complimented and under-loathed for too long. Your friends are inappropriately supportive. It’s not your fault, you just didn’t have a hater in your life. 

Until this moment. I am that hater, and your biggest motivator. 

Read 10 books

Cute. Adorable… and one-hundred percent hell no. This is a great goal to abandon, since you actually had no intention in doing this anyway, and you never gave a f*ck about books. Do you really see yourself flipping a piece of paper over and over again for enjoyment? Whose sick idea of fun was this? You’re already a piece of sh*t, you don’t have to become boring too. 

What’s the worst that could happen you ask? 

You become good at spelling. 

Becoming a good speller will actually put you in positions you may not want to be in. If you want to avoid being the designated speller (nerd) of the group, consider putting the book down. I for one was forced to spell words at a very young age in front of a crowd of people with other kids waiting in line to spell random words with a mic at the center of the stage. I wore glasses and was never talked to. It’s never too late to take back a delusional goal that will only make your life worse. Why choose ten when zero is a more promising number. 

Procrastinate less

Here’s something no one will tell you: People who don’t procrastinate aren’t that interesting.

Have you ever genuinely connected with someone who’s always on time? Why are they like that? There’s nothing exceptional about following through with a commitment a normie coerced you into last Tuesday. “Meet at that coffee shop at three?” Saying “no thanks,” is a quick way out of that, saying “no” is even faster. 

Lacking a sense of purpose in their life that comes with rushing, these unsexy virgins will try to lead by example but don’t be fooled. Following in the footsteps of a follower makes you a follower’s follower. Ew. Self-sabotage is relatable, being irksome is not.  

It’s also not very cool to finish things promptly. Handing a paper in when it’s due or worse yet, early is for people lacking self respect. Letting exterior forces control time for you makes no sense. I had a full-time job forcing me to come into work at nine. I chose not to, and suffered the “consequences” which included losing my job. But my backbone grew stronger as I refused every deadline in my way. Waiting until the last minute is what gives edge to your life. Trying to improve would be reckless. 

Learn a “cool” hobby 

Okay, Mrs. I’m-So-Interesting. You bought one scrapbook and now have a new “hobby?” The dictionary defines a hobby as a “boring waste of time” and studies suggest they are only useful in scenarios where you have a gun pointed at your head and absolutely must do them.

Realistic scenarios where you’d have no other choice but to do a hobby include: 

a. Cutting pictures out of a magazine or else lose all of your belongings to a volcanic eruption.

b. Learning that weird thing where you dig into the ground known as gardening to save your family from eviction. 

c. Fulfilling that thousand-piece puzzle or else falling into the ocean and never being found. 

This includes writing fan fiction with no real deadline except a self-imposed one, which is dumb because no one wants it to exist… Though do check out FanFicForReal if you’re interested, I started it in 2003 and it has yet to blow up. Just don’t let ambition fool you! 

Drink less

Close your eyes. The year is never, because you’re still drinking and that’s fine because when you set this goal you were sloshed out of your mind. It’s okay, you didn’t have the capacity to think clearly. 

Do you know anyone who is sober and like, knows what fun is? Why have a productive day tomorrow when you can give in to instant gratification at the club tonight? At worst, you’ll be throwing up in the toilet for four hours. Sure, you could’ve started writing that novel in that time, but why do that when you can get field experience that you can later incorporate into the book?

The harsh truth? It’s not very cool to wake up early and get sh*t done with your day. Getting laundry done can wait. Buying groceries is not even cool anymore. Give up already. 

“Go” to the gym 

HAHAHA. You really thought? Though your therapist will tell you it’s all about setting an intention when it comes to goals, going to the gym is a great one to scrap because it’s so dang stupid. 

Lifting weights? What about the weight of life? In the era of paper straws, the world has taken a dark turn. You can’t even sip in peace anymore. Isn’t that heavy enough? Oh, and stretching? The f*ck?! Everyone gets got with this. Stretching is a complete drain of energy if you’re working any full-time, part-time, internship, or volunteer position. After all, this is what’s meant with the old saying “you’re stretching yourself too thin.” Don’t be a victim. 

Not only will you never achieve this goal, you will also uninspire every person around you in the process when you lift a twenty pound weight you can’t carry and inevitably put it back on the rack at the gym on Third Street last Sunday. I wouldn’t really know though. But sure, keep going. 

Just remember, it will never not be embarrassing to get caught trying. You’ll want to avoid success at all costs, because having a meaningful life isn’t worth the bother. 

Prove me wrong though, I dare you.


Copyright © 2024 Oona O'Brien. All rights reserved.


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